Today’s tabloid starlots have nothing on Valeria Messalina. Third wife of Roman emperor Claudius, and a second cousin to him, Messalina was 18 when she married the 50-year-old ruler. The story had scandal written all over it. She quickly established a reputation for scheming, power-wielding, and cheating. The song alludes to her mock marriage to upstart politician Silius (all while she was still married to Claudius), the ensuing bacchanal, and Messalina's death at the hands of her jealous real husband's soldiers.
lyrics
What a mess
He’s on to you now
You confessed
But it’s too late somehow
Silius
Fell under your spell
Stupidus
Didn’t take it so well
And now here you are,
With nowhere to run,
Messalina . . .
But what a party you did throw!
With the leopard skin girls of Bacchus
And the wine--it did flow!
At the party you threw for Bacchus
A little skin you did show!
At the party you threw for Bacchus
What a mess
All the talk about you
And that contest
the divorce and wedding too
And all the rest
Of the lovers on the list
S.O.S.
You’re really in a fix
What a mess! Messalina!
What a mess, Messalina, what a mess!